You Good-for-Nothing Quartet Read online

  She sounded tremendously proud of herself.

  Her card showed her level was 20.

  I felt a flash of anger toward the grinning Darkness.

  “Ptoo.”

  “What?!”

  She yelped as I spat square on her card.

  I ignored Darkness as she tearfully scrubbed at the card. I crawled out from under the kotatsu and took out my own card.

  Next to LEVEL, it read 13.

  …What was I going to do? When had this happened?

  And this when, according to Aqua and the others, the weak Adventurer class was supposed to gain levels faster than advanced classes…

  Sena cocked her head quizzically as I stared at my card. She took in my expression with her guileless, straightforward gaze…

  “What is your level, Mr. Satou? I assume it must be fairly impressive, given you’ve tangled with the Demon King’s generals…”

  “H-hey, guys, get your stuff together and let’s go on a quest!”

  A bit desperately, I cut Sena off before she could say anything else.

  3

  “Kazuma, you do not seem to get along very well with Sena. Did she subject you to a brutal interrogation while you were in jail?”

  Megumin and I were headed to see the blacksmith in town.

  I walked along without an ounce of enthusiasm.

  “It wasn’t brutal, exactly, and I’m not sure I’d say we don’t get along. She just…seems to see me as some sort of do-gooder. Personally, I’d just like to live as soft and sedentary a life as possible, so I wish she’d stop looking at me like I’m gonna save the world.”

  Sena had started asking me for help because I had defeated the Demon King’s general Vanir.

  But I didn’t have some special ability like Mitsurugi. And except for my Luck, my stats were all below average, even for an Adventurer. The only reason I’d defeated any generals or bounty heads was basically just being in the right place at the right time.

  And yet she kept coming to me with problems…

  “I actually agree with that prosecutor in having a high opinion of you, Kazuma. You have managed to pull out some rather improbable victories against some very powerful foes.”

  “Are you praising me or making fun of me?”

  I didn’t get to find out, because we had arrived at the blacksmith’s.

  The truth was, I hadn’t been completely indolent all winter. I had learned some new skills to help me develop the products Vanir and I were working on.

  For example, I had asked the owner of this shop to teach me the Smith skill. That made me better not only at working with metals but at all kinds of manufacturing.

  It was just that after I created the kotatsu, my other work screeched to a halt.

  In exchange for teaching me Smith, I had imparted to the blacksmith the process for making a Japanese katana—even if it was just a dim recollection of something I saw on TV once.

  Since my cheap short sword was starting to wear out, and since I had come into a small fortune, I decided to ask the shop owner to upgrade my equipment. I promised to buy the first katana he produced.

  Also, I knew I could hardly go forever with just a breastplate, gloves, and greaves, so I’d asked him to make me a set of real armor.

  I’d been sequestered in the house for so long that I was sure it was just about done…

  “Hey, man! You finished? Is my sword just about done?”

  “Welcome… Oh, it’s you. The sword you taught me to make, that ‘katana’ or whatever you called it? It’s done, as far as it goes. I made it in the shape you described, but…”

  The shopkeeper brought out a blade in a sheath.

  It definitely looked like a Japanese-style sword.

  I took it in hand and drew it out…

  “Whoa… You sure got the right idea…! It’s not quite as pretty as the real thing, and it doesn’t look very sharp, but hey, it’ll do.”

  “Well, excuse me, Mr. I-Wanted-a-Perfect-Sword! I tried to find out about this tempering process you talked about, but I’ll be damned if it made a lick of sense to me. I guess it was an interesting enough job. All I have to do now is write the name on this magical tag and stick it to the scabbard, and it’ll be finished. This sword is going to be your faithful companion. Better give it a good, strong name,” the shopkeeper said with a flash of his teeth as he brought out my suit of armor.

  Name the sword, huh…?

  I examined the shining blade and remembered the names swords always have in video games.

  “Kazuma! Kazuma! Hurry up and give it a name—I want to go explode something! We have been cooped up all winter, and I’m feeling very repressed!”

  “You went out to do an explosion every single day. Anyway, hang on. It’s a big deal, naming a weapon. You have to give it the attention it’s due…”

  I settled Megumin down and lapsed into thought.

  Muramasa… Masamune… Kotetsu…

  “Here you go, the full plate mail you ordered. It’s reinforced with Adamantite here and there—top-notch stuff by local standards. Take good care of it.”

  As I was thinking, the shopkeeper brought out my armor.

  The full-body armor, shining blue, made for an intimidating sight. This would definitely protect me from damage.

  I gleefully tried it on…

  “What do you think? Perfect fit, huh?”

  The shopkeeper sounded pleased. And it did fit well, but…

  “…It’s so heavy I can’t move.”

  “……Is… Is it, now…?”

  The smith eyed me with pity.

  With my abysmal stats, I apparently couldn’t even equip the high-class item I’d ordered.

  Luckily, I’m about average size, so the shopkeeper was willing to take the item back, and I didn’t have to pay for armor I couldn’t use.

  I had been hoping to see some serious improvements in my attack and defense, but it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped.

  I would have to be satisfied with a new weapon.

  “So now all that’s left is the name… Gotta put my whole heart into this… Kikuichimonji… Kogarasumaru…”

  As I stood there with my arms folded, deep in contemplation, Megumin suddenly suggested, “Chunchunmaru.”

  “…What did you say?”

  “Chunchunmaru. That is the name of your sword.”

  The sword that, for some reason, Megumin was now clutching to her chest.

  Nuh-uh. No way.

  “I can’t give my sword some random name like that. This is a special-order item I worked hard to get. My faithful weapon! It needs an awesome name so that—”

  “Hey!” the shopkeeper said, looking at the blade in Megumin’s grasp.

  I followed his eyes to the magical tag affixed to the scabbard.

  The characters on the tag…

  “…The young lady’s already inscribed the name…”

  “Indeed I have. From this day forth, this blade shall be known as Chunchunmaru! Now, Kazuma, I believe your business here is finished. Come, explosions await!”

  “Wh-wh-what have you done?! Aww… My sword…!”

  With my weirdly named sword in her hand, Megumin dragged me out of the shop.

  “—You know, I spent a pretty good chunk of money on that sword… What if I defeat the Demon King with it? There’ll be a plaque in a museum somewhere: Chunchunmaru, Holy Blade of the Legendary Hero. Do you even understand what you’ve done?”

  “I gave a bold and arresting name to this sword while you stood there dithering. What are you so upset about? I’m more concerned about whether Darkness has succeeded in convincing Aqua.” Megumin seemed just a bit uneasy as she spoke.

  Before the two of us had set off to procure my weapon, we had asked Darkness to work on Aqua…

  “Noooo! I don’t wanna go today! Tomorrow! If tomorrow’s warm, then we’ll go out! I have a bad feeling about today! Goddess’s intuition!”

  “Enough with this goddess nonsense! Look, yo
u can’t cling to that sofa forev— Ow! Let go of my hair!”

  When we got home, we found Aqua and Darkness embroiled in a fight.

  I guess Darkness hadn’t managed to persuade her… Well, heck.

  “Sounds like she really doesn’t want to do this one, Darkness. How about we leave Aqua at home this time? The three of us should be plenty.”

  “There you have it! Every once in a blue moon, Kazuma says something sensible! You heard the man, Darkness, now get your hands off me!”

  Aqua started smacking at Darkness’s hands, emboldened by what she took as my show of support.

  “Anyway, you two, this is our first quest in a while. When we get the reward money, I’ll take you out to eat somewhere. We can celebrate with a nice hot pot or something.”

  I had made the proposal offhandedly, but I noticed the goddess of celebrations perk up her ears.

  The other two seemed to have picked up on what I was thinking and exchanged a glance.

  “Kazuma is right. Winter is ending, and this is our first day back at adventuring. We will have to have something truly luxurious to recoup our strength.”

  “Yeah, let’s enjoy ourselves today. I know a place that caters to the nobility. I can make a reservation there.”

  They immediately set about adding fuel to the fire.

  Darkness released Aqua’s collar, but the goddess anxiously interjected, “You… You know, you could buy the ingredients, and we could all have a hot-pot party at home. Tell you what. I’ll even make all the preparations so it will be ready when you come home exhausted from your adventure. We can have a little party here at the house.”

  She gazed up at us, still glued to the couch.

  We looked at her.

  “““Take care of the place while we’re gone,””” we chorused.

  “Waaaaaah! I’m sorry! Don’t leave meeee!”

  4

  Pockets of snow still speckled the field outside town.

  “All right, we’ve got a good position. Let’s get started!”

  I was perched in one of the few trees around the area, ready to do some long-distance sniper work with my Deadeye skill. I gave the signal.

  “Cool, I’m good anytime! This is a great way to get your piddling level to go up a bit. And the sooner you get strong, the sooner you can defeat that Demon King for me.”

  Aqua stood beneath the tree I was positioned in, arms crossed, glaring at my intended target.

  Come to think of it, I guess I was supposed to defeat the Demon King at some point…

  “Yeah, with Aqua’s buffs in place, we could take on a whole herd of these things!”

  Darkness planted her feet there with her great sword plunged into the earth, her hands resting boldly on the hilt. She formed the picture of bravery.

  “If any get through, leave them to me. When they are near, I shall blow them all away at once.”

  Megumin gripped her staff calmly, a smile on her face.

  Everyone but me is above level 20 now, and our equipment is up to snuff. We’re more or less intermediate adventurers now.

  “All right, here we go, then! Just like we planned. I’ll start by sniping the King Runner and Princess Runner. Without them, the Lizard Runner herd ought to break up, and we can mop up the small fries. If my shooting doesn’t do the trick and they attack, I’ll hit them again while Darkness keeps them busy. If that doesn’t work, Megumin will use Explosion before we get surrounded, and I’ll pick off any survivors. Aqua’s on support… Okay, ready?”

  Uncharacteristically, our plan today accounted for the possibility that something might go wrong.

  Just more proof that we weren’t amateurs anymore.

  From my perch, I used my Second Sight skill to get a bead on the distant Lizard Runner herd.

  They looked just as Sena had described them. They were reptiles resembling huge, green, bipedal frilled lizards.

  One of the Runners was twice the size of any of the others. It had a horn on its head like a crest and appeared to be giving orders to the other creatures.

  “Hey, Aqua, you see the one with the horn? I know that’s the Princess, but which one’s the King?”

  “How should I know? Maybe it’s the one that looks the most dignified?”

  I wanted to ask her how I was supposed to recognize a dignified lizard, but it was my fault for asking her anything in the first place.

  The Princess Runner had that distinctive horn, but how could I determine which one had won the running competition?

  That was when I realized the Princess was always close to one particular lizard.

  Of course. The winner becomes her mate.

  So the one she was the friendliest with had to be the King.

  I set my sights on him and drew my bow all the way back…

  “I’ve got it! Leave it to me, Kazuma; I have an idea. The King is the one who won the running competition, right? So he’s got to be the fastest runner here! One of my holy magic spells attracts monsters—it’s part of a pair with the spell that repels them. I’ll use it to summon the Runners, and the one that gets to me first must be the King!”

  Except I’d wanted to know which one was the King exactly so I could shoot him from a safe distance. Her suggestion was the most backward thing I’d ever heard.

  “What are you talking about? Do goddesses stick their hands in a fire just to see if it’s hot? I already have a guess which one’s the King, so don’t do anything stu—”

  “False Fire!”

  Aqua was chanting before I could stop her. A pale-blue flame appeared in her hand. I wasn’t a monster, but the sight of it still made me want to jump down and punch her in the face.

  The impulse came mainly from the magical power, but I admit, it was partially because she had gone and done something stupid.

  The Lizard Runners seemed to have caught sight of the flame, too. With a bizarre screeching sound, they came running straight at Aqua.

  “““Geez!””” Darkness, Megumin, and I all exclaimed, taken aback by just how quick the Runners were.

  Megumin hurriedly began chanting Explosion, but at this rate, the monsters would be on Aqua long before she finished.

  Darkness stood in front of Megumin, while I held my bow and shouted at Aqua, “You dumb idiot! You’re never happy until you’ve done something to screw us over, are you?! Stick to party tricks from now on! We could’ve taken out the King and Princess nice and quiet, and none of these guys would have been any trouble! And you had to go and stir them up!”

  “Wh-what are you so angry about? I was doing my best to help—don’t get upset at me! Fine, I get it! I know how this is gonna go! I’m sure those Runners will do something awful to me, and I’ll end up in tears. I know my part—now, are you going to kill them or just hang there?!”

  Defiant in her anger, she went from looking desperate to flinging herself spread-eagled on the ground to sulk.

  “You moron!” I shouted. “At least make with the support and healing! Don’t just lie there; they’ll trample you, and you really will die!”

  At the same time, I took aim at the King Runner, who was barreling toward us at a terrifying speed, and let loose with my Deadeye skill.

  My aim was true. I hit the creature at the front of the pack right between the eyes.

  Success with Deadeye was partially based on your Luck stat. I had hardly handled a bow in my life, but with the skill and my Luck, I made a decent archer.

  I had assumed the death of their king would be a serious blow to the lizards’ morale. But for some reason, they just picked up speed.

  “Hey, Aqua, naptime’s over! I took out the King, but it’s only made them go faster!”

  Aqua was still laid out with her eyes closed, her head turned away.

  “If you get rid of the King, it just means a chance for one of the other males to take over. You have to take out the Princess first!”

  “You couldn’t have told me that one dead lizard sooner?! M-Megumin! Megumiiin! Is yo
ur magic ready to go?! Use Explosion! There’s plenty of space! Take them out in one fell swoop!”

  “Leave it to me! Wah-ha-ha-ha! Taste my combustive magic! Explosion!!!”

  Nothing happened.

  “?! Oh no! My MP! Kazuma, I don’t have enough magic to ignite the explosion!”

  “What?! Why now, of all—? Oh crap!”

  I had absorbed some of Megumin’s magic with Drain Touch that morning!

  “Wh-wh-what do we do, Kazuma? The Princess! The Princess Runner is really running…!”

  I looked up. Perhaps enraged by the death of her partner, the Princess Runner—a massive lizard with a frill around her neck—had joined her entourage in dashing straight for us.

  Aqua was flopped on the ground just beneath the tree I was in, and Megumin was next to her.

  Darkness moved out in front to protect them…

  “Fwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Have at meee!”

  She sounded awfully excited. Downright thrilled, in fact.

  And then the crowd of Lizard Runners broke against her like a wave.

  “Yaaaah! K-Kazuma! Dear Kazuma!”

  Now Aqua was shouting for me.

  The Princess Runner seemed to be glaring straight at me, as though she knew I was the one she wanted. Given how quickly she was approaching, she was probably about to just jump and kick me right out of my tree. Man, was I in trouble!

  “D-Darkness! Just hold them off a little longer! I’m going to take her out!”

  “T-take your time! Yaaagh! No r-rushhhowww!”

  Darkness spoke through the hail of kicks the Lizard Runners were administering below.

  I drew my bow and aimed at the Princess’s brow, just below her frill.

  “Kukieeee!”

  “Deadeye!”

  As she launched herself up at me with an animal screech, I fired down at her.

  At point-blank range like this, it would have been hard to miss even without my skill.

  The arrow buried itself in the Princess’s forehead, and her flying kick ran out of steam before it reached me.

  “That was a close one…!” I muttered, breaking out in a cold sweat. Then I felt the impact.

  The corpse of the giant Runner had collided smack against the trunk of the tree.